7 posts tagged “twilight”

Since I had so much fun making the first one (here), and everyone seemed to enjoy it, I thought I'd take another stab at writing a sequel -- this one based on New Moon (or in this case, New MatsuMoon). I hope you guys enjoy it. I had a harder time making this one funny, but I hope it was cute and nice. Also, I totally recommend checking out Kytana's Arashi/Twilight parody mix-up. It's very cute and awesome, too! Plus, she gave me the ideas to write these in a first place.

Disclaimer: I niether own Twilight, or Arashi (although I'd LIKE to own Arashi).

Arashi Twilight Fail – THE SEQUEL
New MatsuMoon

Ohno: Nino?
Nino: Yeah?
Ohno: Have you noticed Matsumoto’s eyebrows lately?
Nino: Shh! Don’t let him hear you talking about them. You know he’s very sensitive about it.
Ohno: That’s the thing. I’m worried. Have you noticed how much hairier they’re getting?
Nino: Yeah. Maybe he missed his threading appointment or something.
Ohno: No, I think it’s something more. I think that he’s-

[Enter Aiba]

Aiba: Hey, guys! Do you have a dog running around in here? There’s been a lot of shedding on the studio furniture lately.
Nino: Probably just Shimura zoo creatures shedding on you, Aiba, and you bringing it here.
Aiba (scowls): I’ll have you know, I wear a jump suit as protection from the shedding, and the peeing, and the pooping–
Ohno (impatiently): ANY WAY, guys! Why I’m trying to say here is that that I think Matsumoto is becoming-

[Enter Sho]

Sho: Hey, Aiba. Are wolves native to Japan?
Aiba: I don’t think so… Why do you ask?
Sho: Last night when I was about to go to bed, I thought I heard –
Ohno (furious already, bursts): I THINK MATSUMOTO IS TURNING INTO A WEREWOLF!

[everyone blinks and stares]

Sho: …and?
Ohno (blinks): You don’t seem very surprised.
Jun (from behind Ohno, sounding bored, but really very pissed): It’s so cheering to hear your band members questioning your humanity.
[Ohno is struck and horrified by his appearance]
[Jun scratches his head]
Jun (upset and trying not to show it): Well, anyway, later guys.

Ohno: Oh… no! What have I done?
Nino: You didn’t sound very surprised, Sho-kun.
Sho: Well, I wouldn’t be. I’m a vampire, remember?
[Sho flashes his shiny, pointy teeth]
[Everyone just laughs, not believing in him]
Sho (a little upset): What? Well I am.
Aiba: No offense, Sho – but I don’t think any writer could have dreamed up a vampire with so much fail.
Nino: Aiba’s right, Sho. Vampires are way too cool for you to even consider being one.
[Ohno nods]
Sho (frowns, sarcastically): Thanks, guys.
Aiba (glomps): It’s okay, Sho. We still love you.
Sho (under his breath, whining): But I really am a vampire…
Nino: Any way, here’s the question – how can we get on Jun’s good side now? Even though he seemed calm, he was actually really pissed.
Ohno (upset): I know. I didn’t mean it – it’s just that, well… I really DID think he was a werewolf. The bushy eyebrows, and the shedding, and howling-
Nino: The HOWLING?
Ohno: Well, he was in the bathroom, and next thing I know, I hear him howl…
Sho (goes pale): I think I remember hearing it too. I thought it was… an animal outside.
Nino: But they’re got to be a reasonable explanation for this. Like maybe he stubbed his toe in the shower? Remember Aiba and the glitters, and how we thought he'd turned into a Twilight vampire?
Aiba (nods): Yep. (scowls) I’m never using glitter again!
Ohno: -except for when it’s on our con outfits!
Aiba (nods): Except for our con outfits.
Sho (giving a small smile): Right.
Ohno: So now what do we do – about MatsuJun’s bad mood, I mean.
Nino: Now… we plot.

[plotting]

Aiba (approaches Jun): Heeey, Jun-kun?
Jun (looks up from his newspaper, cranky): What?
Aiba: Have you seen my razor? I seem to be getting a bit hairier than usual lately.
Jun (blinks). What are you talking about?
Aiba: You know, the usual… I just feel so dog-gone hairy lately.
Jun (tentatively): Then maybe you should get a hair cut?
Aiba (starts, the idea just hit him, and gets excited): Hey! You’re right! Thanks for the idea Jun, you’re the best.
(Aiba turns to leave… then at the last second, turns around and glomps Jun)
Aiba: Thanks! Bye! (runs away before Jun can catch him).
Jun (mutters something under his breath)

[Enter Sho]
Jun (mutters): Oh, great.
Sho: Hey, Jun! Did you recently hear a wolf howling outside your window last night?
Jun (freezes): What? Oh. (Sarcastically) I see what you mean. “Jun is a werewolf”. Very funny, Sho. I’m sure you guys had a real ball with that one.
Sho (plops down on the couch beside Jun, pouting): Aw, I’m sure Ohno didn’t mean it that way. He was worried for you. I think all the sun exposure in fishing must have addled and fried his brains a little. He wasn’t thinking straight. Besides. I wouldn’t mind if you were a werewolf.
Jun (freezes again): You… wouldn’t?
Sho (shakes his head and smiles): Nope! And neither would the other guys. It wouldn’t change who you are, inside.
(Jun starts to smile at that)
Sho (continues, happily): You’d still be the same, sadistic, DoS Hime Princess of Arashi that always wears nail polish and hair extensions-
(Jun, furious, gets up off his chair and smacks Sho on the head with his newspaper before walking away)
Sho (calls out after him): See what I mean?

[Sho returns to Nino, rubbing his head]
Sho: Our plan failed, by the way.
Nino (looks up from playing his Nintendo DS] What?
Sho: Jun. He’s still mighty pissed.
Nino: Oh. Well of course he’d be pissed. You guys called him a werewolf.
Sho (scowls): Yeah, duh. That’s why we came up with a plan - to make him feel better about being hairy, and being called a werewolf. That’s why Aiba and I talked to him, right?
Nino (distracted, playing the game): Huh? Oh, no. I just gave you guys something to do, so you’d leave me alone and I could finish my game. And hey: it worked!
Sho (scowls): Great. Thanks to your “plan”, Jun hit me in the head with a newspaper.
Nino (looks up): Did he? (laughs)
Sho: You brat!

[Enter Aiba]

Aiba: Hey! What are you guys talking about?
Sho: The plan. It failed.
Nino: Is Ohno still in hiding?
Sho: Yeah. He’s afraid of what Jun might say or do if he saw him.
Aiba: You know, he might just be using Jun as an excuse to go fishing.
Sho: No, Ohno seemed genuinely upset over it. He said he couldn’t even think of fishing because Jun was that angry with him.
Aiba: Oh…
Nino: Can you guys keep it down? I’m trying to beat level 15 here, and the monster is kicking my -- arggh!! I just died. (Puts away his DS game) Okay, now what’s up, again?
Sho: Ohno. He’s in hiding from Jun. And Jun’s still pissed.
Nino: Well, first things first. Let’s find Ohno. And then we’ll take care of Jun.
Sho and Aiba: Yosh!

[Later]
[Sho, Aiba, and Nino are trying to drag Ohno out of a closet]
Nino: You can’t stay in there all your life, Ohno.
Ohno: I can and I will. (clinging to the closet doorway)
Aiba: What about cons?
Sho: What about fishing?
Ohno (gets a longing look in his eyes): I guess I can… always just read fishing magazines for the rest of my life.
Nino (annoyed): You’re being so melodramatic. It’s just Jun.
(The rest stare at him like he’s stupid).
Nino: Then again, you guys are right. He’s Jun.
Ohno: You see? See what I mean? And why I can go back? I know! I’ll live like a hermit. Yeah… or a Buddhist monk. Where do hermits live anyway?
Sho: The woods. (Teasingly) With the wolves .
Nino (shoots him a dirty look, mutters to Sho):  Not helping…
Aiba: Uh… guys? I hear footsteps.
Ohno: Oh no! It’s Jun!
(Ohno dives back in the closet)
Jun: Hey guys.
Nino (tentatively): Hey… Jun. Wow, you seem to be in a better mood.
Jun: Yep. I had a lot to think about today.
Sho (gives a deep bow): We are truly sorry if we made you feel bad, and called out a werewolf.
(Nino drags Ohno out from the closet, who comes and bows deeply to Jun)
Ohno: Yes. And I’m also truly sorry, Jun, for thinking that in the first place.
Jun (gives a small smile): That’s okay. I really had a lot to think about, about what Sho said to me today. About how you guys wouldn’t care if I really was a werewolf. Well - that meant a lot to me.
Sho (taken aback): Oh. Well… Glad I could help.
Jun: About how you guys accept me for who I am - although, yes, the speech as a bit rude (he gives a quirky smile). All is forgiven. So… I guess I can finally tell you guys.
Nino: Tell us what?
Jun (takes a deep breath): I really am a werewolf.
(Big pause of silence. Everyone except Jun and Sho starts laughing)
Aiba (laughing): That’s SO funny, Jun! I didn’t realize how funny you were.
Nino (laughing): Yeah! This is even better than my Ni No Arashi pranks segment. That’s classic, Jun! Really.
Ohno (laughing): Okay, you got me! You really did. I am sorry for accusing you… and thank you for taking it with a bit humor!
Jun (confused, and a bit helplessly): But I - I really…
(Sho puts a hand on his shoulder)
Sho (wisely): It's okay. Trust me.

THE END

Ruff!

[After the credits]
[Jun and Sho having coffee… chatting]
Sho: So, Jun, what kind of wolf do you turn into anyway?
Jun (embarrassed): Well… it’s more of type of dog.
Sho: Oh, well that’s cool. What kind?
Jun: A poodle.

The REAL End!

Aiba: Hey, guys! I found a poodle!

After some banter back and forth with Kytana... b/c my facebook profile pic makes me look like bella, she mentioned having Aiba that "sparkles" <3 And that inspired the both of us to write a fic with Aiba that sparkles! ^_^ So here's mine, and I can't WAIT to read Kytana's! <3 Much love, girl! This one is dedicated to you. And to Aiba that Sparkles. <33

TWILIGHT FAIL
Starring Arashi (Minus Sho, until the very end)

Scene 1

(Aiba enters room where Nino is sitting, not paying attention to him)
Aiba: Nino.
Nino: (mildly annoyed, not looking up) What?
Aiba: I'm sparkling.
Nino: (looks up, sees Aiba sparkling, and jumps up) Holy --! What happened to you, Aiba?
Aiba: (looking at his arms as they sparkle) I dunno, I woke up and I was sparkling in the sun.
Nino: (starts pacing around) Oh my God. I know what this is. (runs fingers through hair) This is terrible, this is - AIBA! What do you think you're DOING??
(Aiba is running around outside in the sun, yelling, "Weeee!")
(Nino tackles Aiba down, and drags him back inside the house)
Nino: THIS IS NO TIME TO PANIC!
Aiba: (reasonably) Then why are you panicking?
Nino: Pfft. I'm not. I'm merely trying to save you from your own stupidity.
(Nino sits Aiba down, sits accross from him, and look him in the eyes)
Nino: Do you know what this means?
Aiba: Err... now I'll match our con outfits? (grins)
(Nino smacks him on the forehead)
Aiba: Ow (rubs spot on forhead)
Nino: Don't be obtuse. It means... (cue horror music) This is a really bad Twilight fic.

[Enter title Credit: the word "Twilight" is crossed out and next to it is writing "Sparkly Aiba"]

Scene 2

(Nino walks up to Jun)
Nino: (darkly) We have a problem?
Jun: (looks up from doing nails) Eh? Don't tell me your nail polish ran out again.
Nino: (hisses) I TOLD you never to mention that again! It was only that one time.
Jun: (smirks) Sure.
Nino: Actually, the problem is...
(Half-naked Aiba appears in the background, running around in the sun, shouting, "I SPARKLE!")
Nino: (darkly) THAT.
Jun: (drops nail polish) Oh... my.
[enter Ohno]
Ohno: What's up, guys?
Jun: (runs hand through his hair) Nothing. Only the fact that Aiba is turned into the victim of a really bad Twilight-slash fic.
Ohno: (bites into apple) Really? Do you think he might wanna come fishing with me?
(Jun and Nino stare at Ohno, dumbfoundly)
Ohno: What?
Jun: Your tan...
Ohno: (eyerolls) Yes, I know I'm tanned-
Nino: (grabs Ohno's right wrist) No, LOOK!
(Ohno's arms, up to his elbows, are pale white)
(Nino and Jun look up at each other in horror)
Ohno: (holds out apple with both hands, and laughs) Hey, look guys! This reminds me of a book cover I saw at Borders-
(Jun snatches Ohno's wrist this time) Oh, God. we've got to get some help this time.
Nino: (nods) Yes, this is desperate. Only one person can save us now.
Jun: (eyes narrow) The author.

Scene 3

THE END

Sho: what about me? I wasn't in this movie!!
Liz: (pats him) It's okay, Sho. Next time.
(shot of Sho with golden eye-contacts)
Sho: Aww, man. And I was gonna tell everyone I was a vampire. (sniffles)

THE [REAL] END

I bought an Aiba clear-file from the AAA08 series.it was $12.75. Gah. But oh well, it's so SHINY!!!

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2 comments

That one just says it all. Arashi + Twilight. :)

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Edit: Since you all are asking, yes, the bottom one is Twilight candy. Sweet tarts, to be exact. You know, those candy hearts you get on Valentine's Day? Only in a twilight box! ^_^ i found out about them on Amee's LJ, and saw some at Boarders bookstore at the mall, so I decided to buy some! Yum. But so much sugar! lols.

The front is bella. I forgot there was edward and Jacob and blindly just grabbed a box, thinking they were all the same. As you can see, it cost $1.99. Not worth it, especially all the sugar goes to my hips, haha.

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The back, with facts about bella & Twilight.

Finally, the candy. It's just candy, lol. nothing special.

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I thought this interesting, since I grew up in the OC myself. :)

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/chon-people-american-2320016-really-kind

I dedicate this one to my best friend, Ashely, who told me the horrors of Breaking Dawn so that I might not have to read it and find out for myself. Mind you, this is a PARODY and will offend lovers of the book, I'm sure. So if you don't want to be offended: simple, don't read!

PS - for those who HAVEN'T read Breaking Dawn, this is intensely spoiler-filled, and some jokes you might not get unless you've been spoiled so... yeah.

Caveat: I don't own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer and Josh Whatshisname does.

Yes, I have read books 1 ~ 3. I loved book 1, hated book 2, tolerated book 3.

Warning: Rated PG-14

BREAKING DAWN – AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

Bella’s POV

Edward sucked. Literally. Well, he was sucking my blood to turn me into a vampire – little did he know that I already turned into one when we… more on that later.

You see, I didn’t really love Edward – he just thinks I did. What he didn’t know is, I wanted him to turn me into a vampire so I could be beautiful, have unparalleled senses and strength, and so I can kick Alice’s bony, ‘marble’ little butt (and Emmitt’s too) whenever I felt like it. That’s why I was being such a little bitch about the whole matter, and that’s why Edward was so determined not to turn me. He knows he’ll be totally whipped by me, and our new baby Renesmeemmittalicejaspercharlieclarliserosalie, once she’s born in a month. That’s why he was so determined to keep me ‘human’ as long as possible. I was his little ‘spit bubble’, or whatever metaphor he used - so fragile. Bullshit.

So anyway, what Stephanie Meyer didn’t know (no, she didn’t create us. That’s ridiculous. And she thinks she can “change” the rules and our characterization on us as the story goes? No way) or rather, she forgot is that – as she said – vampires have venom in every bodily fluid. So their pee (the Cullens’ toilet has to be replaced every six days – especially with Emmitt there, and his fondness for bear blood), their spit, and including their sperm. So at the first moment Edward ejaculated, I was slowly on my way to becoming a vampire.

Yes, when it was burning down there at first I thought: shit, Edward lied to me about being a virgin, that blood-sucking liar!

Then the burning spread, and that’s when I got excited: Ha! The loser forgot to think this one through when he fucked with me! Or rather, he was thinking with his other head, and didn’t realize that this would turn me into a vampire.

So, I tried to hide it the best I could. But by then, I also realized I had been knocked up. Filthy blood sucker.

So I pretended the baby was killing me or something, when in reality I just wanted Rosalie to feel sorry for me. Because once I told that bitch I was pregnant, she was ready to tear my face off my head.

Luckily, when I told her I’d hand the baby over to her, no problem (like I really want to be a mother on the first years of immortality. Please!), she was so excited, and realized she had to protect me and her future baby from Edward, who was furious.

            “I thought you said you were on the pill!” he bellowed.

            “I am Catholic!” I protested.

            “Get an abortion! My dad’s a doctor!” he brightened at the thought.

            “What part of ‘I am Catholic’ do you not understand?” I cried.

            There were no ripped pillows or sex for several weeks.

            Well, by now signs were showing that I was turning into a vampire, not even I could hide it.

            “Bella, why are you on the floor screaming in agony and pain?” Edward asked me.

            I couldn’t really say more besides, “Ahhhh!!!!”

            “Bella, why are you so pale?”

            “Oh, just been avoiding the sun,” I told him brightly a few days later.

            “Bella, is that blood you’re drinking?”

            “Nope, just some V8.” I took a sip.

            Edward thought for a moment. “Funny, it looks like blood to me. Hey… what happened to our mail man…?”

            Stuff like that.

            Finally, it clicked in Edward’s head, “You’re a fucking vampire!! How???”

            “Funny word choice Edward, because you see…”

            So by then, for Edward to save face with his family – he had to pretend to turn me the “normal” way (instead of having to explain how it really happened). And since I was already a vampire I didn’t hurt. We had to kind of stage it with the mailman’s blood, though.

            And if this doesn’t make sense in any way, just remember: it’s probably more accurate that Stephenie Meyer’s version of the aforementioned events.

Jacob’s POV

            That bitch picked a fucking statue over me. The man’s a total tool, but whatever. She wants immortality and powers I can’t give her. Frankly, if you ask me, those two deserve each other.

            Whatever, so I had these friends in Canada, and I heard the powder there was really wicked, so I decided to hit the slopes and get in some snowboarding. I asked Leah and Seth to come along, since they like snow boarding too.

            “You should totally move on man,” Seth told me one day on the slopes.

            “Edward’s a total tool, and Bella’s just a bitch,” Leah was only too happy to remind me.

            “Yeah, like I need to remember that.” In that exact moment, a beautiful woman happened to cross my path. She was actually rolling down the hill like a little snow ball, unable to stop. Given my fetish for clumsy girls who are vulnerable like soap bubbles (or was it spit bubbles?) I hurried to rescue her. I just hoped she wasn’t as fucking crazy as Bella the Bitch.

            Too late, she was already being helped by her (apparently) boyfriend. I just shoved him aside, and pretended to be the one who helped her.

            “Who the hell are you?” She demanded.

            “I’m your new dark knight,” I winked.

            “Why do you smell like wet dog? And why is the snow around you melting?”

            “Long story, listen, babe. How about you and me-”

            “Get your hands off her,” I turned around and saw who it was.

            “Fuck, it’s Edward.” Then I took a new look at the girl.

            “Bella, you bitch! You’re a vampire now?”

            “Yeah,” she said haughtily. “Sucks to be you, right?”

            “This is un fucking believable.”

            So I went back to the cabin to go cut my wrists or whatever when the girl at the front desk said, “Do you need some help?”

            That’s when I realized: I had imprinted. On an ugly Romanian front-desk helper who had a big mole on her face. Only, she might as well been Botticelli’s Venus, because I realized I was in love.

            I told her. “I’m in love.”

            “Excuse me?” she said in that lovely Transylvanian accent. I hoped to God she wasn’t a vampire too.

            I asked her, “Are you a vampire?”

            She laughed her charming, husky, mannish laugh. “Of course. My grandfather Dracula.” I could tell her grasp on English was bad because she said ‘of course’, and she was so funny and witty (like me), saying her grandfather’s Dracula.

            “Here’s my number,” I carved into the front desk with my wolf-like claw fingernail. “Call me sometime.”

            I went back upstairs – this time, not to cut my wrists, but to tell Leah and Seth what happened.

            “That’s not imprinting, you dumbass! That’s called being desperate,” Seth told me.

            Unfortunately Hilda (that was her name) happened to really be a vampire. Apparently they make ‘em really ugly in Europe. So Seth, Leah, and I were forced to kill her.

            “It was for the best,” Leah told me wisely.

            On the way plane home however, I thought it wouldn’t be too bad. I was too busy being pissed at Bella for really chosing immortality – I mean Edward the sucker (in every sense of the word) – over me. I really did need to move on, I realized.

            That’s when, on my way back to Sporks, Washington, the crappiest place on earth, I saw there was a new girl in town. Actually, I never really knew their where any girls in Sporks besides Bella or my female relations. Her name was Angela, and she was hot.

            I told her, “Wanna take a walk on the wild side and go out with a great guy like me?” I revved my motorcycle engine, just to impress her.

            “Are you Jacob Black?” She asked, wide-eyed.

            “You’ve heard of me?” I was flattered.

            “Bella said you cough up hair balls, is this true?”

            My face turned red.

            “And that you’re a total dog?”

            My face turned purple. Before I could cuss out Bella’s parentage, Angela said, “Sure, I’ll go out with you. You have way more personality and character than my boyfriend, Ben, who’s like a cardboard cut-out figure.”

            “Sweet.” She hopped on my motorcycle, behind me.

            We rode off into the sunset. Once she found out I was a werewolf, though… she freaked.

            “But I’ve imprinted on you, baby,” I tried to explain.

            “I’m not a Kinko’s, Jake. What the hell is imprinting?”

            She attempted to run away while I was sleeping, but Leah caught her, tied her to a chair in an abandon shed, where we starved her for five days, until she was willing to stay with me, as boyfriend and girlfriend.

            Too bad I didn’t actually imprint on her. I actually imprinted on this girl who hated vampires and was used to dealing with freaky beasts and whatnot. She was awesome and we lived happily ever after. So up yours, Bella Cullen!

            VAMPIRE BELLA’S POV

            Edward dumped me. I can’t believe it. He says it’s because I don’t “smell right” any more. I smell like a vampire, which in his eyes is a bad thing. “And I can’t save you any more,” he complained. “It’s boring like this. You totally whip me, and our baby freaks me out. She’s like a Chucky doll, only sickeningly pretty.

            “I feel like I’ve been in love with a steak,” he waxed poetically. “But you’re no longer that steak, Bella. You’re like… the steak once it’s been digested in my stomach. You can’t go back to being a steak any more, Bella. We’re just not compatible any more. If you can’t smell right, I just can’t stand being with you.”

            So Edward left, and killed himself. I gave the baby over to Rosalie as promised.

            There was this big war between the Volturi and the Cullens. Five of the Cullens were killed – Esme, Emmit, Carlisle, Japser, and Alice, who couldn’t foresee this. Rosalie went on to do modeling work – everyone was impressed over her inability to eat food, so she fit right in. Other models died trying to be like her (they assumed she was living off air, which wasn’t strictly true). I remained immortal and pretty forever, until Jacob’s wife – whose name was Buffy – came by and said she was a slayer. The Cullens never warned me about slayers. But it was too late by then, because she killed me.

            The end.

"The Cullens are coming!"

Eeek!!

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Who else is excited about the up-coming Twilight movie (possibly MOVIES?)???? That is so awesome, I'm uber stoked!!!

from MTV website.

PS- read the books first. You'll love them!

Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)

Stephenie Meyer

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